I've Never Been in Love

I came home from work, and I really was not feeling well, so I took a nap.  Totally normal thing to do.  I woke up about 15 minutes ago, with a completely different prospective on life.  Does that ever happen to you? That you have a dream that completely changes you? Well I will tell you about mine.  Just has a heads up I will not tell you who this dream was about, but he’s not really the important part.  I will refer to him as Mr.. (The only time I will ever tell you who is it, is if one day I happen to marry him, and it just adds to the romance of our story.  Haha)

The dream kind of starts discouraging.  I am older.  Probably late 30s, and still single.  Yes I know, huge disappointment thus far.  My parents were getting a little older, in there late 60’s, and they said that they wanted to take me some where on a little trip.  So I said yes, whatever I mean I’m practically a spinster, I might as well go on vacation with my parents.  So they take me to this super small town, very woodsy.  All the way there they are telling me about this fireman.  “Ohh he’s just so wonderful, he saved an entire town,” they would say.  I was like…well that’s cool.  Why are we talking about this fireman so much.  But knowing how much my parents talk about the what they are reading, and things they hear, it didn’t surprise me much. 

So we get to this camp.  And forsome reason there is a trampoline.  And my dad was again saying how this great firemen lived in this town, and he was injured saving people, and now the town adores him! “Okay okay I get it, this man is perfect I understand”.  My dad sends me and my mom to the store.  For some reason I was dressed like a normal person on top, but I was wearing purple floral slippers, and matching fleece pajama pants.  And for anyone who knows me, this is not how I sleep, so it was just weird.  So me and mom walk through the town in my pjs.

I get to a point to where I can see him.  It’s a bad view, kind of a back, I can’t see your face view, but I would know him anywhere.  So I panic.  Why am I wearing slippers, I was thinking to myself!  I started to figure the whole thing out.  One piece at a time.  I looked at my mom with terror in my eyes but she made me continue walking. 

I get to a point where I have to cross this bridge, but it’s filled with girls and their moms fishing in the river, and there is no way through.  So I say excuse me, and all of their eyes, evilly dart in my direction.  They lift up their poles while I walk under them, with my ear pounding in my ear because I knew I was about to really see him.  Up close.  For the first time in years.  His hair looked grayer, his face had aged, and he had a slight limp from being injured, but he was still the way I’d remembered him.  I was facing the other direction so I had a minute to get myself together.

I passed the last couple girls at the bridge and finally broke into a normal stride.  I nudged him softly and quickly, before I could over think about it too much.  “Hey stranger”.  That’s all I said.  No other words, and he turned and looked at me with this beautiful grin, and wrapped my up in a hug.  It felt like home. 

Apparently my parents had taken me all that way because they thought we would be perfect together.  Earlier in life we were on two different paths.  It was just bad timing.  Now it was our time. 

Then I woke up… Reality sucks, but sometimes dreams give us hope. 

Why did I tell you this?  It’s soo mushy I know I know.  But sometimes I feel like it will never happen.  My person.  My other half.  I feel like I will never find him, and even more frequently, I feel like he will never love me.  But this dream gave me hope.  And one hug in one dreamed changed my life.  I can’t even adequately describe this hug, but it was home.  It was love and friendship, and respect.  It was a hug worth waiting for.  I woke up feeling like I would wait for a love like that.  Even if I don’t find it until I’m 30 something or later , though I pray to god it’s before then, its okay because it’s the only kind of love that I want. 

I believe that God has perfect timing for us.  It is so hard for me to live that on a day to day basis, when I’m feeling alone, or heart broken, or insecure.  But waiting for his plan, in his timing is better then anything I could dream up myself.  I grew up with a saying on our fridge that my mother put there.  It says,” God’s will is exactly what I would want, if I knew what God knew.”  So I’m here.  Not necessarily sitting and waiting, but living life, figuring out myself, hoping and trusting that God is going to  give me exactly who I need, exactly when I need him.