Do you ever see some one in sheer and utter panic? Like a mom whose child is about to run into the street, or a guy who looks at the check on a date and realizes that he doesn't have enough money in his bank account to pay for dinner? Well that is how I look. All day everyday. I used to think that this idea of a panic attack was a work fiction. That people just said that when they got a little nervous or worried. I have been proven wrong. Since graduating from college I have become the queen of panic attacks. I get all hot and shaky I freak out and emotionally and mentally go into a tizzy. The signs that one of these is coming is as follows. I start to call my parents every other second. I send my sister a quick text asking if she wants to move somewhere random and start a new adventure. These are my tells that life seems a lot a bit overwhelming.
It all started yesterday. I suddenly had this really bad feeling that I was making a mistake staying in Philadelphia after graduation. I want to start a new chapter of my life, and for some reason I can't help the feeling that this chapter shouldn't be here. It's not any one thing. It's a little bit of everything. I can't find a new apartment, I can't afford a car, I feel a little bit too old and a little bit too young to relate to everyone around me. While I know that there are people fighting this same battle, I feel alone in the war with myself. Where do I go from here?
Well i decided to fast from movies and tv for one week, which if you know me at all, is a challenge, but God is already opening and closing doors. He's beginning to make it clear. An old professor of my told me about a job here in Philly, while applying for that, I stumbled across a job in Atlanta I wouldn't mind having. And then I came across another opportunity to kind of do my own thing. So doors, are opening, which is great. But it didn't come without lots of panic, some words of wisdom from my parents, and trusting that God has a plan for this crazy thing I like to call my life.
As my dad told me in the middle of my panic attack, "panic comes from fear, and fear comes from a lack of faith". It is all a little bit easier said than done. Don't fear. Well you have never been inside my head, telling me not to fear, what is that? Well just incase you have ever been anywhere close to this terrifying place in life, here is a scripture that has been helping me. "So do not fear , for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
All of this is really great, I know. But I frequently struggle with the idea of waiting for God to make my path clear, or going out on faith, taking action, and him guiding me as I go. I don't have the answer. I am the kind of person who calms down by making lists. I'm a doer, which is weird because I am also a free spirit, but this stage of life has made me into more of a control freak. So anyway, I figure I can pray about which way to go, but start being proactive all at the same time. So get to work. If you don't know where you are going or what you are doing, just take some steps, God will slam the door in your face if that's not the step he wanted you to take.
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