Truth be told...

“…here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart…”

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite poems by ee cummings. I think we all have something like this in our lives, something that is at the root of who we are.  It effects every decision we make, and every thing that we say.  Maybe its one specific thing.  Maybe it’s a couple things.  It is usually, like it says, our, “deepest secret nobody knows”.  They may be past scars, or fears, it may be dreams or aspirations.  It can be a mixture of all of the above!  Everyone is different.  You may not be in touch with what yours is yet.  So I’ll do the hard thing.  The thing that nobody wants to do, I’ll go first. 

So here is my secret.  Here is the center of all things who I am.  Here lays my fears and my dreams, my insecurities and what I’m most proud to be.  I am disciple of Jesus Christ first and foremost.  I believe that Jesus came to earth, lived as a man, died and rose again to save the world.  I made Jesus lord of my life over 6 years ago, and I try my best, though often falling short, to live the life of a disciple.  I grew up in an amazing family where my parents were disciples and taught me, but also allowed me to make my own convictions and decisions about what I wanted for my life.  I am so grateful to them for all I’ve learned, both when things were great, and when they were challenging. 

Next, and probably most challenging for me to admit and to discuss in general, is my insecurity in who I am, but more so in what I look like.  I am, what Americans have come to call us, a curvy woman.  This is, in my mind, to make us feel okay with the fact that we are overweight, unhealthy, and becoming one of those statistics they talk about when it comes to overweight and obese people.  But the truth is that it is not okay.  And it is not okay with me.  There is a difference between wanting to lose weight for the approval from others, and wanting be a healthy person reducing their chances of health risks.  I have been in both of these mental stages in my last 10 years of life.  My parents, although they love me so much, did not do a great job of making me feel okay with who I was growing up when it came to my weight.  I always felt like I have to be skinnier and prettier, and sometimes I continue to feel this way.  But on the best days, I want to change for myself.  I want to exercise and get healthy the right way because I know that God says my body is a temple, and I need to treat it as such.  Yes, I would probably feel prettier and better about myself when I walked into a room if I dropped a bunch of weight.  But change will only become permanent if I make the decision for myself, and not for the people around me.  Embarassing myself by saying all of this, is only to show that this part of my life drives me.  It pushes me to do better, and be better.  It affects how I think, and who I have become. 

My dreams.  Simply put, I am a dreamer.  In 2006 I was a sophomore in highschool.  My sister was two years older then me, and looking at colleges all over the country.  There was a point where she and my parents were going out of town every weekend to look at schools which left me home alone, or staying at a friends house.  This made my mom feel bad so we would go to the movies on Wednesdays during the week before they had to leave.  This one Wednesday afternoon we went to see a movie, but for some reason the sound didn’t work so we got free movie tickets and we could go see another movie that was showing that day at the theater.  Well there was a movie called Flicka playing so we went to see that.  If you have never heard about it, in summary a girl lives on a ranch and one day is saved by a wild mustang.  Everyone thinks the horse is crazy but she trains it, and they form a bond.  Yada Yada Yada…I recommend it if you like semi corny movies like I do.  The point is, for some reason it inspired me.  Between the premise and the music that was in the film, I left the theatre thinking for one of the first times that I can remember, about what I really wanted in my life.  That night I stayed up really late writing all of these things down, and I remember sharing them all with my dad the next day on the way to school.  Here it is, my list, verbatim, of what I desire to do in my life.  Bare with me, I was 14, but it still holds true.

“When I think of things that I want to do in my life, a few things come to mind.  I want to go to college, I want to get married.  I want to be an amazing mom.  But then I have to go deeper.  Those are dreams anyone can have, but my ambitions are my own.  I want to ride a horse.  Not just ride it, but really ride it.  I want to be going so fast I can fly, where my hair is blowing back having a smile so big my face just can’t express it.   I want to feel free when I ride. 

I want to love.  I want to love life, people and the world.  I want to love every breath.  I want to see things and just feel a touch of love.  Like God created that one thing just for me so he could see me smile. 

I want to see the world.  I don’t want to be one of those people who just sits there not embracing what could be out there.  I want to see places and connect with people that I’m not the same as.  I want to mend the bonds that have been broken between people.

I want to open a store.  A store that reflects me and everything that I love.  A place where people can feel free to express themselves.  No matter what is in that one random store, ,I want it to be from me.  Like a little piece of me.

I want to write a book

I want to be an artist

I want to be unique

I want to write a song

I want to die a disciple

I want to adopt a child

I want to do volunteer work

I want to sing everyday

I want eight children”

So there it is.  From 14 year old me what I want in life.  The funny thing, is that for most of that, I can say today I still desire that for myself.  I still want to travel, and write, and sing, and have a bunch of children.  I am learning that these things are the center of my heart and my mind.  With out knowing it, I make decisions based off of these things. I’m working to start my own business, while juggling two other jobs.  If a guy says he doesn’t want children, I don’t give him another thought.  Someone recently told me I was nurturing.  He said it in more of a negative context because he said guys have moms for that, but that’s my gift.  Sometimes I wish I had other gifts, like amazing public speaking, or the ability to inspire whomever I come in contact with.  But learning to use my gifts to do God’s will is an adventure all on it’s own, and the people I get to encourage make it all worth while. 

So find your thing.  Who are you in the center of your being?  What affects your thoughts and actions.? What makes you feel joy, and what makes you feel hurt?  I think this is one of those exercises that makes you feel a little bit of pain.  Just as if you had just started working out again.  You are really sore the next day, with your muscles feel just a little bit too tight to walk normally.  But it’s the best kind of pain.  Its pain that comes with change, and benefit.  People avoid thinking about who they really are and what they truly want.  In my opinion this is because we are afraid of not being content with what we find out.  But the faster you figure it out, the quicker you can do what God intended for you to do.