Here goes… I’ve started writing so many times. Its funny how I will have one line of
pure genius thought that inspires me.
Until about two paragraphs later when I get distracted because every
writer needs a snack… and a cup of coffee… and a 30 minute nap… But here it is. Here is my truth. Sitting in the living room of my creaky
floored one bedroom apartment. It smells like rain and coffee in here. But I’m here sitting in my favorite
chair. The plaid one that my mom reupholstered. The kind that you can sit in Indian
style and feel comfortable in.
Like someone you love is giving you a hug. I feel the love of this chair as I sit in it. And in this chair, in this room, in
this city that I know so well and not enough all at the same time, I tell you
my truth. I know nothing…
Why read a blog by someone who knows
nothing. Well maybe you and I are
in the same shoes. Size 7 leather
loafer ring any bell? Maybe you
are just bored, or maybe my knowing that I know nothing gives me the small
chance to understand something.
I just graduated college. Less then a month ago. I once heard someone say that there is
nothing older then a high school senior, and nothing younger then a college
freshman. I actually think it was
from the graduation speech on The O.C.
But here I am thinking, they obviously haven’t graduated college
yet. I have never felt as young
and as old as I do right now. I
have no idea what I am doing with my life and I can do whatever the heck I want
to . I went to school for fashion
design, which some people say is just a horrible, horrible idea where you end
up just teaching kids how to make pajama pants in a high school home ec class,
or at Joann’s. Well I have dreams
beyond that. And I actually did
pretty well in college. I
graduated on the deans list, and my senior year I won the Niemen Marcus award
for the most sellable collection.
The honor was great but my $300 gift card that I was supposed to get…
well I’m still waiting for that one.
But the point is, I did well, I had great relationships with my
professors, and I loved doing it.
But now I’m sitting here. I know where I want to go, but I have
no clue how to get there. Has that
ever happened to you before? Like
those mazes they have on the back of cereal boxes, or the kids menus at restaurants
that you play with your nice little Crayola crayons. Well my life seems as though its one of those, but the
really hard kind. You know where
to start, and you can see the end, but getting through the middle gives you a
panic attack and you just hope someone spills there drink on it so you have an
actual excuse to give up instead of just seem like a fool who quit too
early. Well that’s me. Or at least my go to reaction. There are two actually ways to handle
this situation in my opinion. I
can either go in head first, crayon hard on the weird gray colored paper, and
take my first guess, my gut feeling route of which way will get me to the silly
little “YOU DID IT!” sign with a big star next to it. Here’s the thing about that. I usually get about a total of 3.5 seconds before I hit one
of those dead ends. So I proceed
to start again, head first, over and over again until long past dessert when I
may finally figure it out. But
it’s kind of hard to see the lines now because of all my different wrong paths
marked all over my menu. Option
two: I can do that thing where you are barely touching the crayon to the
paper. Where it just barely makes
a mark. More like I’m tracing it
with my finger. I can trace each
path until I find the one that works.
I finally find the one that leads me to “YOU DID IT!” The one that proves that I’m not a
failure. I take my favorite color
crayon and proudly and without a doubt in my mind, boldly trace my way from
start to finish. No bumps, no
bruises, just perfect calculation that leads me to the finale that I have been
waiting for.
Here’s the thing about these two choices. One is safe and one is reckless. The first leaves me with scars…Memories
of mistakes that I made, things that I can’t change, and regrets that may haunt
me for the rest of my life. But
what does the other choice leave me?
I get what I want yes, but what if I miss out along the way because of
my perfectly calculated plan. What
if that wasn’t Gods plan for me? What if the plan changes? It’s safe. It’s easy. It
gets me to where I think I want to be.
What if though… what if I do take the
first choice, the one that leave marks on my heart, so many paths that I’ve
walked, ran, endured. But what if
it’s all worth while. What if it
helps me to grow, and opens my eyes.
What if that road shows me new dreams. New adventures I can go on, new people to love. What if the uncertainty helps me trust
God just that much more. What if I
meet the man of my dreams?! What
if choosing the easy way, my perfectly planned life, keeps me from doing what I
was meant to do with my life?
I’m not going to pretend I know the
answer. I’m actually kind of
hoping and praying that by writing all of this down, I may get some small, tid
bit of clarity in my life. And if
anyone does ever read this, I hope this journey we are taking together can help
you find some peace as well.
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