“…here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the
root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of
the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul
can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the
wonder that's keeping the stars apart…”
This is an excerpt from one of my favorite poems by ee cummings. I
think we all have something like this in our lives, something that is at the
root of who we are. It effects
every decision we make, and every thing that we say. Maybe its one specific thing. Maybe it’s a couple things. It is usually, like it says, our, “deepest secret nobody
knows”. They may be past scars, or
fears, it may be dreams or aspirations.
It can be a mixture of all of the above! Everyone is different.
You may not be in touch with what yours is yet. So I’ll do the hard thing. The thing that nobody wants to do, I’ll
go first.
So here is my secret. Here is the center of all things who I
am. Here lays my fears and my
dreams, my insecurities and what I’m most proud to be. I am disciple of Jesus Christ first and
foremost. I believe that Jesus
came to earth, lived as a man, died and rose again to save the world. I made Jesus lord of my life over 6
years ago, and I try my best, though often falling short, to live the life of a
disciple. I grew up in an amazing
family where my parents were disciples and taught me, but also allowed me to
make my own convictions and decisions about what I wanted for my life. I am so grateful to them for all I’ve
learned, both when things were great, and when they were challenging.
Next, and probably most challenging for me
to admit and to discuss in general, is my insecurity in who I am, but more so
in what I look like. I am, what
Americans have come to call us, a curvy woman. This is, in my mind, to make us feel okay with the fact that
we are overweight, unhealthy, and becoming one of those statistics they talk
about when it comes to overweight and obese people. But the truth is that it is not okay. And it is not okay with me. There is a difference between wanting
to lose weight for the approval from others, and wanting be a healthy person
reducing their chances of health risks.
I have been in both of these mental stages in my last 10 years of
life. My parents, although they
love me so much, did not do a great job of making me feel okay with who I was
growing up when it came to my weight.
I always felt like I have to be skinnier and prettier, and sometimes I
continue to feel this way. But on
the best days, I want to change for myself. I want to exercise and get healthy the right way because I
know that God says my body is a temple, and I need to treat it as such. Yes, I would probably feel prettier and
better about myself when I walked into a room if I dropped a bunch of weight. But change will only become permanent
if I make the decision for myself, and not for the people around me. Embarassing myself by saying all of
this, is only to show that this part of my life drives me. It pushes me to do better, and be
better. It affects how I think,
and who I have become.
My dreams. Simply put, I am a dreamer. In 2006 I was a sophomore in highschool. My sister was two years older then me,
and looking at colleges all over the country. There was a point where she and my parents were going out of
town every weekend to look at schools which left me home alone, or staying at a
friends house. This made my mom
feel bad so we would go to the movies on Wednesdays during the week before they
had to leave. This one Wednesday
afternoon we went to see a movie, but for some reason the sound didn’t work so
we got free movie tickets and we could go see another movie that was showing
that day at the theater. Well
there was a movie called Flicka playing so we went to see that. If you have never heard about it, in
summary a girl lives on a ranch and one day is saved by a wild mustang. Everyone thinks the horse is crazy but
she trains it, and they form a bond.
Yada Yada Yada…I recommend it if you like semi corny movies like I
do. The point is, for some reason
it inspired me. Between the
premise and the music that was in the film, I left the theatre thinking for one
of the first times that I can remember, about what I really wanted in my
life. That night I stayed up
really late writing all of these things down, and I remember sharing them all
with my dad the next day on the way to school. Here it is, my list, verbatim, of what I desire to do in my
life. Bare with me, I was 14, but
it still holds true.
“When I think of things that I want to do
in my life, a few things come to mind.
I want to go to college, I want to get married. I want to be an amazing mom. But then I have to go deeper. Those are dreams anyone can have, but
my ambitions are my own. I want to
ride a horse. Not just ride it,
but really ride it. I want to be
going so fast I can fly, where my hair is blowing back having a smile so big my
face just can’t express it.
I want to feel free when I ride.
I want to love. I want to love life, people and the world. I want to love every breath. I want to see things and just feel a
touch of love. Like God created
that one thing just for me so he could see me smile.
I want to see the world. I don’t want to be one of those people
who just sits there not embracing what could be out there. I want to see places and connect with
people that I’m not the same as. I
want to mend the bonds that have been broken between people.
I want to open a store. A store that reflects me and everything
that I love. A place where people
can feel free to express themselves.
No matter what is in that one random store, ,I want it to be from
me. Like a little piece of me.
I want to write a book
I want to be an artist
I want to be unique
I want to write a song
I want to die a disciple
I want to adopt a child
I want to do volunteer work
I want to sing everyday
I want eight children”
So there it is. From 14 year old me what I want in life. The funny thing, is that for most of
that, I can say today I still desire that for myself. I still want to travel, and write, and sing, and have a
bunch of children. I am learning
that these things are the center of my heart and my mind. With out knowing it, I make decisions
based off of these things. I’m working to start my own business, while juggling
two other jobs. If a guy says he
doesn’t want children, I don’t give him another thought. Someone recently told me I was nurturing. He said it in more of a negative
context because he said guys have moms for that, but that’s my gift. Sometimes I wish I had other gifts,
like amazing public speaking, or the ability to inspire whomever I come in
contact with. But learning to use
my gifts to do God’s will is an adventure all on it’s own, and the people I get
to encourage make it all worth while.
So find your thing. Who are you in the center of your
being? What affects your thoughts
and actions.? What makes you feel joy, and what makes you feel hurt? I think this is one of those exercises
that makes you feel a little bit of pain.
Just as if you had just started working out again. You are really sore the next day, with
your muscles feel just a little bit too tight to walk normally. But it’s the best kind of pain. Its pain that comes with change, and
benefit. People avoid thinking
about who they really are and what they truly want. In my opinion this is because we are afraid of not being
content with what we find out. But
the faster you figure it out, the quicker you can do what God intended for you
to do.
